It Always Happens
March 27, 2007
I am behind. Really behind and the world is full of bummers which I can’t seem to get my mind off of, and I will be more behind when I miss school next week. My plate is overloaded and I am trying to process all of this but I can’t seem to find the place to start….and no I am not stressed about my wedding…. not in the slightest.
My best friend is dying — slowly. A couple weeks ago they weren’t sure how long it would take. This week they say it may take a while. Months, years they aren’t sure. But regardless he can walk or talk or see. It just happens to be the same person who I dropped off right before I got in my accident. The same person who came to the hospital and coached me to learn how to walk. The same person that carried me through the flower archway because I couldn’t walk during prom. He is one of my best friends… This time I can ‘t even help him. I am too far away to help and its killing me. Matt says I should just go home, but I cry when I sit with him, I cry when I talk to him. He wanted Mat and I to talk about our wedding plans, but I couldn’t. I can’t go home anyway I have to much work to do, and I can’t seem to get it done fast enough…. I am trying to put together this kick ass portfolio but when I went to bind the damn thing… it was off and it’s got stuck. Also my show fell through. And my Love project sucks. I am just full of bitching today. And on top of all this I dont’ feel well. I haven’t felt well all week, and anything I eat sends me to the bathroom with in minutes. I feel like something died in my liver. It’s all just buidling up and its times like this I would rather just hide in my room under my covers and not come out…. because to be honest I am scared of the world. It will be four years since my car accident this Saturday, and even though its been awhile the memories, screams, and pain have never really gone away. This week makes me fear the world. It reminds me there are no promises in life.
Jessica,
Hopefully what I will say will take away some of the stress.
Not everything you are working on has a deadline. The only thing right now that has a deadline is the love project. If it sucks, it sucks. You can always move on to the next thing. Not everything you put out has to be the most amazing thing. Sometimes the shittiest things we put out tend to be the best, because we learn from our mistakes (my thesis). The love project is not the end all be all. It is just one of many, and it isn’t even your last one at the Corcoran.
So your show fell through, there will be others. Many others. Remember what happened to Sally Mann?
Your wedding is almost a year away. It can always be delayed. Your graduation is a month away. Focus on one thing at a time and just prioritize. If the wedding doesn’t go as exactly planned, so be it. C’est la vie. Life never goes exactly as we planned it.
You have to be there the most you can for your friend. This doesn’t mean you have to be there 100%. Right now you have a lot on your plate until graduation. So just work on one thing at a time, and you will pull through, wearing a cape with bright flying colors.
It’s been four years since your accident. Instead of focusing on the accident itself, focus on how far you have come in those four years. I am sure you wouldn’t even recognize the person who existed before the accident.
I hope this cheers you up before you start your nightly routine before bed time.